Mia: Solitude + Shared Custody
Relationship to self, the relief of not dating, and non-traditional families.
MIA had a lot of wisdom to share about relationship to self, and her chosen pseudonym happens to mean "mine" in Italian. Interesting, isn't it?
I’ve divided the interview into Shared Custody and Solitude. Even situations that do not seem to apply to you can be a source of insight, so I encourage you to read both sections.
Mia is a single (separated) professional of European descent. A mother of two who has 50/50 custody and a good relationship with her co-parent (male), she self-identifies as queer, female, and monogamous.
SHARED CUSTODY
What does your sheltering-in-place look like, and how are you handling the shared custody?
Working from home with approximately 75% reduction in workload at full pay. The custody arrangement has stayed the same, except my ex is taking more of the days, as he’s currently not working. Distance learning just started this week so difficult to comment on it yet. Home alone the rest of the time.
I’m curious about how non-traditional families are applying the "stay home" directive. For instance, it appears on the surface that your kids aren't "staying home". But technically they are, because they have two homes. When the experts started to say "stay home", did you question how that directive applied to your family?
We had to think about it, but quickly decided to keep our regular schedule. (We make all decisions jointly.)
Can you walk me through your thoughts as you came to that decision?
They were very cursory. I happened to be visiting a sibling on the weekend of March 13th. Their kids are a little older and they were talking about doing week on/week off. So, I thought about that. If I recall correctly, I think my ex and I just had a very brief discussion about it and decided to keep things as regular. It really wasn't a big concern although I do question some of his decisions around taking the kids out - but nothing major.
Did/do you question at any point whether what you're doing is "safe", and compliant with health directives?
I definitely turned my mind to it, but I didn't question it, if that makes sense. I considered the messaging in the context of my situation and in the context of family law to come to a decision that what we were doing was appropriate.
So, basically, your kids are shuttling between two homes as per usual, and the risk is managed by the fact that both parents are having minimal contact with the outside world (along with young children being less susceptible.) I've been noticing some shaming going on towards people with non-nuclear family units, so I hope your sharing this helps some folks out there who are in similar situations.
I’m extremely curious how spending more time apart from others during COVID-19 is impacting on our relationships with ourselves. I view the relationship with oneself as the most intimate relationship. So, I coined a word for it – selfship. How would you describe the state of your selfship prior to the WHO’s declaration of global pandemic on March 11th?
I was def in a very good place in my relationship with myself. After going through a very difficult time, for the first time I started to understand what it meant to be a friend to myself. I can go into a lot more detail on any aspect of this.
Please do.
I had been very self-critical to varying degrees throughout my life. Something that people, even those that didn't know me well, would say. But I saw it as trying to be a better person. I took 2 intensive courses on mindfulness and compassionate living last year. I realized that the way I was talking to myself was in a way that I would never speak to somebody else even someone I didn't like very much. And that changed my life. Now I speak to myself the way I speak to people I love.
I encourage myself; I'm supportive and caring and soothing. If my kids do something "wrong", I don't react by yelling at them and telling them that they're stupid or bad, so why would I say that to myself? That's my reasoning and it seems to be working very well for me.
How have you found the times when the kids have been with their dad? And have your newfound skills been deepening?
I'm going to digress here because I should explain something about my personality. I'm a real extrovert in that I get my energy from other people. I'm not drained by people. I don't need any alone time. Sure, I get drained by certain people and sometimes I need a break from them, but I don't actually need time by myself to get my emotional energy back.
The other thing that I should mention is that in the courses I took last year I learned that it was important for me to actively take care of myself and check in with myself to see how I was doing, the way I would for somebody I care about. So I had been doing that before COVID-19.
When I realized that we would have to stay home for an extended period of time, I took the approach of being gentle and curious about how I would deal with this sudden change so I didn't look at it as a scary thing but more as an experiment or just an experience. I'm very lucky that I'm still getting paid and my mom is safe and I don't have to worry about my kids because they're so young, so I realize I'm in a very lucky position. So I'm okay and it's important for me to be okay to support those around me. But not at my own expense, not in denying my own feelings.
So being alone so much has been an interesting experience. Until I took the courses last year the farthest I ever got was being okay being by myself but I never enjoyed it. Keep in mind that I never needed it and I still don't need it but since those courses, I've actually started to enjoy my time alone which is a brand-new thing.
There's one other sort of symbol of where I am. In the past, I only listened to talk radio – not right-wing talk radio but CBC Radio One – in the car and at home. Then when I started to go through a really bad time 3 years ago, I found that I couldn't take talking anymore and I started listening exclusively to music. But then after I took the courses I found that for the first time in my life, I'm okay with silence. Before I would listen to the radio even in the shower. I always had something on for background noise and now I'm okay with having silence for long periods of time.
So it may seem strange to say, but I have been doing really well by myself. It's the first time in at least 10 years that I feel like I'm off the hamster wheel. And I feel very comfortable with myself and safe with myself.
Thanks for digressing because it wasn't a digression at all, in the end.
As you know, this is a sex positive project. I'm super curious as to whether being in isolation has impacted on folks' relationship to their own individual sexuality and pleasure, or brought any new awareness to it. Does the time you're spending with yourself include self-pleasuring, and if so, what's it been like for you?
I'd say my reaction to being home has been neutral, sexually speaking. I've been on a fairly low dose of antidepressant for over 2 years. I've experienced a somewhat reduced libido and it takes much more effort and longer to climax. Frankly I can't be bothered a lot of the time. I'm pretty sure I haven't since the isolation started.
Thanks for going there. Could we touch on dating now? I'm wondering if you were meeting new folks before this, and how you're handling it now that meeting in person is so complicated.
I would love to be in a relationship and/or having sex but it has often been...elusive. I'm open to pretty much anything that has respect at its core. I don't have to be in a relationship for sex. I'm very interested in meeting women and dating but it takes up all my free time and gets expensive – too much energy for too little return. I have gone to some queer women's meet-ups but I'll only do things that I'm already interested in. It also doesn't help that I look so straight. Now given that I can't actually meet anyone in person, I've parked trying to meet anyone. And I was surprised that I feel relieved. I'm working through that now.
Can you say more about feeling relieved?
I'm not sure how much it's internal and how much is external. I mean it's all internal pressure but it's partly missing intimacy, partly feeling like a failure that I can't find someone who wants to even date me, partly that I can't get something I really want in general and partly feeling that other people look at me and think there must be something wrong with me. But now that dating is impractical at best, it's not a realistic thing to pursue at this time. So no one can blame me for not looking, least of all myself. Does that make sense?
Totally. I imagine it's like being released from any sense of stigmatization for being single in a culture that glorifies romantic relationships and the couple version of it.
And being freed from the pressure to get coupled up. Be that pressure from yourself or from society.
Yes, that's it.
Great. Is there anything else you'd like to add? For instance, any remarks about what it's been like to participate in this project? Any benefits to being interviewed? Insights provoked?
First thing it's nice to be seen as complete as an individual. Also, I see how much benefit I've gotten from the help I've received through:
• medication which allowed me to not have to spend all my energy on just surviving. It's been an amazing tool that allowed my to shift focus to doing the healing work and learning how to change my inner life
•individual therapy where I could get a different perspective to re-frame my past experiences, and view the present and future.
•mindfulness for showing me how to live in the present and cultivate a gentler view towards suffering by myself and othersI knew I had done a lot of work and I can now see the results in progress (as there is no destination just the journey).
Thank you, Mia, for sharing so openly about your life! Hearing the truth of your life has helped me. I hope it will also help others during this unprecedented time.